Step by step guide to becoming a hocker:
Knowing the Right People:
The most important nuance of today’s true hocker is knowing the right people, because almost every hocker revals the fact he is a hocker by starting out most sentences and stories with “oh and I know this one guy…” In fact you can be fake it like most do, but its important to know people in each of the respective hocker industries such as cell phones, real estate flippers, nursing home administrators, day trading and catering. Being able to hold your own when showing off how many connections you have is the most important thing, because it leads to the whole point of a hocker in the first place.
Hockers serve several purposes, one of which is to make you feel like an idiot because you don’t know anyone important and you have no inside information on the new kosher Subways or get to eat dinner with Shelly Silver. They also tend to play quickdraw Jewish Geography void of any niceties. When busting out Jewish Geography it is of utmost importance to end every sentence with something negative about the persons business tactics, to act like you know all the best ways to do business. Quick Draw JG is when the person just starts naming people he thinks you might know, in the back of his mind he knows you wont know many of them because they probably only exist to further his rank in hockerdom, but you sit in awe as he names your whole city, and you don’t seem to be hooked up at all.
Set of Wheels:
An EMT plate is a must for all hockers, if you are not a paramedic, EMT or volunteer firefighter on the side, you better come up with something good to supplement that important missing item, which means you cannot drive on the shoulder of route 17 when driving to the Catskills on erev shabbos, and that directly effects your status with other hockers. Sirens come next, they allow you to run those pesky red lights on Ocean Parkway furthering the hocker chillul Hashem cause.
SUV’s are king, they like big behemoths that guzzle gas. I have noticed that the supreme hockers, the guys who go all out and turn up their walki-talkies as they enter shull always go for the Suburbans and Escalades, the more refined guys- probably the nursing home administrators are into Acura MDX’s and anything that says Lexus on it regardless of whether it is actually just an overpriced Camry with leather.
It’s also important to know about cars, like prices, and who to lease from. Of course you got hooked up by your buddy at Prestige Motors and you know every used car dealer in Brooklyn because, they are all aspiring hockers. Even when someone actually knows about cars for example a mechanic, you should refuse to give up your knowledge and say that you have been driving whatever car for years and it sucks.
Food:
Hockers love Dougies, Kosher Delight and Subsational, when traveling alone. When joined by their wives they tend to go for the lavish foods and love to bitch about the sushi being crappy. I never could understand how sushi could be bad myself, it all tastes good, unless the rice is old. While on line in any restaurant, always remember to receive a call from your “stock broker” and talk extra louly about your stocks to make sure everyone around you knows, that you are the man. With the whole etrade thing are brokers a thing of the past like travel agents, or do the cool rich people still have them? Always cut the line with your walki-talkie in your hand speaking to you in static- and claim that you have to run to a fire or something. Just what I need, my firefighter running to Burgers Bar before going to save lives.
The Kiddush Club was created for hockers, by hockers as a way to join forces and pretend that they actually know the difference between single malt Scotch aged in Oak or Cherry casks. While there they can also discuss how good the herring from Williamsburg is and talk about how much money they made in the market that week. BSing about Scotch with hockers is easy, I don’t drink, but if I did I could totally pretenc I knew what I was talking about. Words like smooth, rough, dark, light, peaty, oak, dry and it tastes like a tall glass of peach lemonade on a summer afternoon with hints of wild squash and basil. I also now enough as you should about the different brands and locations of Scotch distilleries to make my way in Kiddush club rankings.
Politics:
Move over you pussy liberals, you must be a raving right wing lunatic to join this group. I think hockers are the only group left in America that not only support Bush but would love if he repealed the two-term only rule. I have witnessed many a time a hocker saying the following statement to my disbelief: “I think Bush will be praised in the coming years for all he has done, and we will eventually see the good that Iraq has done to the world, I stand behind him 100%.” Oh and you must use the N-word constantly unless you are smooth with the word Shvartza. Actual political correctness goes out the window in hockerdom and you better like it, or else.
For Israeli politics you must love Mier Kahane and have celebrated when Rabin was shot. You go and protest at Gay parades and support internment camps for all Muslims.
Dress:
It is important to have some sort of knowledge of the yeshiva ways of life, since all hockers emerge from the yeshiva world. They were those guys that never did good in shuir, but had a knack for starting a calling card business in their dorm rooms or selling raffle tickets for Oorah. In no such circumstances can you wear a white yarmulke or khaki light colored pants it is against the grain.
Dark pants, usually cotton with a tucked in solid blue polo shirt or button down boxed shirt is the uniform of the hocker. They are also known to carry up to four electronic devices on their belts, though two is most certainly enough. The yarmulke should be black velvet, but it should be one of the steep dome types that make your head look taller, it should also be placed in the middle of your most likely balding head and if you happen to wear black suede which you can get away with unharmed, you should hang it off the side of your head carelessly.
Wives:
Your wife should be hot, or should have been hot before the multiple children you popped out, some of which you claim happened upon you anyway despite the multiple different types of birth control you used.
There are two types of Hocker Wives, the sheitle hooker/hot channie or the aidel maidel The Sheitle Hooker is a female version of you, accept she find pleasure in making people look at her, instead of the male version of people listening to you as you spew your nonsensical bull shit. She should own many heels that lace up and a bunch of pairs of leather hooker boots. Tight shirts and short jeans jackets are also great accessories. She should be bitchy enough to handle you, but nice enough to have guests over without you belittleing them too much with your vast connections and knowledge of everything.
The aidel maidel wife is the exact opposite of you, people you meet always have this look bewilderment in their eyes as they wonder why she picked you out of the hat. She is sweet, cute and understanding, she doesn’t yell or show off and is pleasant. I have no idea why you got married, though I see this quite often. Its usually the nice guys who married hot channie who later becomes sheitle hooker when reading a particularly vivid missed connection on craigslist.
Conclusion:
No matter what, you are always right, manners be damned.
32 responses so far ↓
1 Erev Raz // Oct 17, 2007 at 1:03 pm
I grew up orthodox in Brooklyn and I don’t remember this word: hocker. A hatzolah guy could be a macher, a maven or a shvitzer. When you say hocker I’m seeing of a guy with an arched back hands at his sides blowing out a 30 foot loogie and hitting the target.
Ich.
2 jacob // Oct 17, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Wait wait!
You forgot to mention those “fashionable black rimmed glasses”
No self respecting hocker does not wear them.
3 Hesh // Oct 17, 2007 at 3:44 pm
Jacob you speak the truth, black rimmed glasses are key.
Sheva I have no idea what part of Brooklyn you grew up in, but you need to get out more. The term may be construed as macher, but hocker is in much more wide use.
4 David // Oct 17, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Hesh, awesome post. I guess the fact that I have volunteer firefighter plates and am searching for my hot chani future wife makes me a bona fide hocker, eh?
Btw, I’m still waiting for you to join the hot chani facebook group.
5 Jennthejewess // Oct 17, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Hey hesh…good post…welcome back
6 bklyn dude // Oct 17, 2007 at 8:17 pm
Also came from brooklyn- often heard the name hocker. A hocker was like a super-macher-muchlouder, more electronics -when we were younger, i always rememebr them having lots of keys as well.
7 math girly // Oct 17, 2007 at 8:42 pm
“I never could understand how sushi could be bad myself, it all tastes good, unless the rice is old. ”
I definitely think sushi can be bad, not just because of old rice.
8 AlanLaz // Oct 17, 2007 at 9:29 pm
It’s sherry cask, not cherry. Crap, I guess that makes me a hocker.
9 StupidNYC // Oct 17, 2007 at 11:50 pm
I love the hatzoloh guys with a radio, pager, cell for work, cell for wife, etc. WOO WOO!
10 mazeartist // Oct 18, 2007 at 1:21 am
you don’t need to be a hocker to be a Kahanist.
11 The guy upstairs from Jacob // Oct 18, 2007 at 1:58 am
A bit harsh on my conservative politics. Another left out item is that hockers children pester the candy man in shul for doubles and triples, and they always throw the wrappers on the floor. G-d forbid their hocker dads should teach them about the proper use of a garbage can! (The house keeper picks the stuff up at home).
12 Sarah B // Oct 18, 2007 at 6:04 am
Very true post. I imagine these hockers to live in the tri-state area (read: Brooklyn/5-towns (moved from Brooklyn) but don’t worry-we have them in LA too!
13 David // Oct 18, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Alan Laz– you might know about booze, but you’re def not a hocker!
14 David // Oct 18, 2007 at 2:39 pm
5 Towns is full of them- and you’re right, most are recent BK transplants.
15 jacob // Oct 18, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Guy upstairs from me:
And how many candymen are there in your shul?
16 Left Brooklyn and never looked back // Oct 18, 2007 at 5:03 pm
I would like to add, that they tend to have small sexual organs and what is worse, they don’t know how to use what they have … LOL
17 Hesh // Oct 18, 2007 at 6:08 pm
First of all I did mean Cherry, as in the type of tree that makes the Scotch get a smoky flavor, Sherry is the sort of wine that they tend to age Scotch and other Whiskeys in that deems them not kosher according to many. While the true Conisours actually will drink liquor aged in Sherry casks.
Left Brooklyn, I sense that you were dating or married to a hocker at some point.
18 Detroit guy // Oct 19, 2007 at 1:13 am
You can spot the ones who are in MI a mile away -They stick out. You can tell they are transplants to the midwest!! In fact the owner of Detroit’s only kosher supermarket monopoly is a Brooklyn Hocker and lets not forget the bluetooth & nextel!!
19 MW // Oct 19, 2007 at 3:55 am
Hey, dont forget the infamous LAKEWOOD!!! The place is swarming with hockers (and hocker knockers lol!!)
I would write a whole comment on them but I pretty much said it all on my post about brooklyn chasiddim!!
http://nyjapsthoughts.blogspot.com/2007/06/stereotyping-and-ranting-about-brooklyn.html
20 yridah leader // Oct 19, 2007 at 6:56 am
Hocker -businesses, thin veiled attempts to disguise that you have a sugar daddy and mommy, but you still think it is possible to win at three card monty. (in-law money, gets you half credit, since you did do something smart) . The ability to socially launder old money into a at best break even business.
Any successful from scratch entrepreneur is worn down, dis sheveled, has no time to answer hatzolah calls, and would certainly be smart enough not to show any of his cards to anyone in business/social matters.
21 Hesh // Oct 19, 2007 at 11:58 am
Very true, most of the time.
Though I do get very disappointed when I meet a self made business person and suddenly realize they are in the same business as daddy- I always love meeting REAL self made people.
22 jacob // Oct 19, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Hesh, got a response for a guest blogger to your post:
http://jacobdajew.blogspot.com/2007/10/guest-post-about-machers.html
23 Left Brooklyn and never looked back // Oct 19, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Hesh, dated a few (if you can call it that) not worth the time
24 Fake Israeli // Oct 19, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Is it a Hocker thing to show off that you know how to speak Ivrit by speaking Hebrew in public to anyone that understands even if they speak completly fluent English?
25 jacob // Oct 19, 2007 at 8:16 pm
No fake Israeli, Its a hocker thing to yap in Yiddish very loud.
26 yridah leader // Oct 20, 2007 at 11:33 pm
Over Shabbos realized that I am actually have Hocker envy
27 Hesh // Oct 20, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Hocker envy eh… it may be better then Penis envy
28 flatbush gal // Oct 24, 2007 at 4:19 am
cant wait for the post on girl hockers
29 Hesh // Oct 24, 2007 at 4:31 am
You know I don’t think I could do a girl hocker one- if you want to- your welcome to bust one out and I’ll put it up.
30 Daniel // Oct 26, 2007 at 4:46 am
You’re a fag for writing this. But I gotta admit most of what you wrote is dead on and hysterical. Although, I wouldn’t mind if George W. could run again. The economy has been great, crime has decreased and we haven’t had a terror attack since ‘01. Yes, there are things he’s done wrong but he’s been pretty efficient as Prez. Let me guess you and Hillary…
31 Hesh // Oct 26, 2007 at 11:50 am
I got out of Politics a while back, and since then have totally distanced myself in terms of everything. I have no idea who is running and will care approximately two weeks before the election. For one since I am not the traditional political dude- I am not going to disqualify anyone just because all the Jews say- shes a bitch- which she most definitely not- If Guliani were a woman he would be a bitch.
I wish Michael Savage would run- he rocks.
Its funny about the economy and Bush, I can distinctly remember under Billy Clinton when the economy was actually doing very well- that the Republicans constantly said- it was because of the previous Republican presidents and the Republican controlled house. I can also distinctly remember that they were always saying that the president had nothing to do with the current trend, and it was always somewhere far back.
As for no terrorist attacks, we have been getting clobbered in Iraq and every day soldiers are killed in terrorist attacks. Name me 5 terrorist attacks on American soil prior to 2001? Now tell many how many of those were caused by anarchists, or white supremacists and other American folks.
32 Shlongy // Nov 21, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Great post.
I guess it’s funny how I feel that I’m getting older and still recal lthe good ole’ days when hockers carried 20-30 keys that opened absolutley nothing.
You’re correct in that today they’ve replaced it with all those electronics. What ever became of the guy who sold all those metal zip chain keyholders to them?
Man, I still hate those hockers (and want to bang their hot wifes!)
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