Do you have SADD (shull attention deficit disorder)?
You have read the shull announcement sheet 5 times, but still guard it against any folks who seek to borrow it;
You hoard those torah email sheets from the OU and random places in Monsey so you have a stack of parsha thoughts from the last 5 months;
You know exactly why Viewpoint magazine exists;
You can scream out the dates and times when the president fumbles during their announcements for the week;
Your shull has not changed the bulletin board in weeks yet you walk out of shull and read it for 15 minutes every shabbos;
You look forward to the time when they do put a new newspaper clipping or thank you note on the bulletin board;
You carefully select your seat based on ability to keep switching the direction you cross your legs, the view the Rabbi has of you sleeping during his speeches, the view over the mechitza, and the ability to keep walking out of shull at every episode of SADD;
You leave shull at the appropriate time to avoid getting any jobs handed out by the gabbi;
You pass over any offer of hagba and claim old football injuries, but you just don’t want to have to sit with the Torah for many moments of Israel and America prayers;
You do not have kidney problems yet you have gone to the bathroom ten times during shachris on shabbos;
You do shnyim mikra v’echad targum- just to keep busy during laining;
People give you strange looks because your staring over the mechitza and the women are those 80 year olds with white doilies;
You shuckel extra violently to keep from falling asleep;
It’s the only time you learn tanach and really get into it as you can compare the stories to something out of Braveheart;
During an uf-ruf you pick up bags of candy that fall near you, even though you have kids who are also doing it;
You pace the back of the shull during every lull;
Finding a full real newspaper left over by a janitor makes your day, even though it is 3 weeks old;
You find yourself cheering when you realize there is no speech after musaf;
You moan when the rabbi busts out one of those pre-haftorah run downs;
Shabbos is the only time you daven all the halleukahs, uz yushiur and hodu- since you have to fend off your boredom during laining as much as possible;
You find old copies of the Yated and feel like you discovered the holy grail;
You speak to people during shull you would never speak to during the week;
You are a shull talker and the founder of the Kiddush club;
During laining you can be seen flipping through the pages to see how many are left;
If you walk in late and they are not up to laining yet, you ask someone whats taking so long;
In shulls with folding shtenders in back of seats- you are constantly playing with them, folding them up and down listening to the high pitched squeak until someone always tells you to be quiet;
Do you look through people talis bags in the drawers underneath the benches hoping to find something interesting?
If there is no Kiddush after davening you fall into a deep depression, since you have nothing to look forward to;
I will any suggestions add to the list if they are good:
27 responses so far ↓
1 // Jul 30, 2007 at 8:45 am
Have you been watching me at shul?
2 // Jul 30, 2007 at 8:50 am
I was once davening at Munk’s (the german- jewish schul in Golders Green) and shukling not to fall asleep much to the chagrin of the older german gentleman next to me……. he actually asked me to stop i was making him dizzy
3 // Jul 30, 2007 at 8:54 am
ahaha… good list.
how about turning around to see who has walked in each time your hear the door open? (and for girls, to check out their outfits.)
4 // Jul 30, 2007 at 9:21 am
You also forgot:
walking out of shul to tell the kids to be quiet while the rabbi is speaking then you can’t go back in because that would disrupt his speech even more.
bringing your child into shul with you and thumb wrestling.
motioning to your spouse on the opposite side of the mechitza that it’s their turn to hold the baby.
hear a child crying and run out to make sure he’s not yours.
taking a child to the bathroom even when they don’t have to go.
playing with your bracelet/watch taking it off and on.
I’m sure I could probably come up with more.
5 // Jul 30, 2007 at 9:40 am
I just had a BT moment…
What the expletive is an uf-ruf?
I hate doing hagba because the etz chaim always digs into my leg right above the knee.
6 // Jul 30, 2007 at 10:03 am
uf ruf is the aliya the shabbos before a chasans wedding traditionaly he is belted with crappy candy.
7 // Jul 30, 2007 at 10:10 am
Dude BT moments are like senior moments eh?
It is good you know what an uf-ruf is now because I have a post centered around uf-rufs all written up and ready to go.
8 // Jul 30, 2007 at 10:13 am
How about:
Going around shul saying good shabbos to random ppl just to start a conversation so that the time passes quicker (not cuz ur trying to be polite).
9 // Jul 30, 2007 at 10:16 am
Shmuli- your reason is the truest of all, this is the reason for shull conversation, its not some crazy issue- its merely boredom.
10 // Jul 30, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Fearandloathinginlakewood ,
I’ve seen an uf-ruf here and there. I just didn’t know what to call it.
Uf-ruf sounds like a dog barkinig.
11 // Jul 30, 2007 at 12:49 pm
FH - I only know because I am guilty of it
12 // Jul 30, 2007 at 1:32 pm
How about making scary faces at the kids in front of you till they start crying. Then look like your davening when the father turns around. Or how about having fun with the beis ezra consumers.
13 // Jul 30, 2007 at 4:24 pm
omg nsf, this guy used to do that to me, he really freaked me out! i think that was the year i quit sitting on the mens side. heyy maybe that was his point….
14 // Jul 30, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Oh I am so into making faces at little kids and freaking them out, I also always have running commentary on the little gay kids that always sing anim zemiros at the end.
15 // Jul 31, 2007 at 8:20 am
Great list.
Sadly: i can relate.
I’m the one scaring babies.
16 // Jul 31, 2007 at 9:12 am
This is why i dont go to shul
17 // Jul 31, 2007 at 9:52 am
I love the big tallis, you can pull it a bit further over your head and even snooze.
PS this works only if you’re not a snorer or a drooler!
18 // Jul 31, 2007 at 10:49 am
[...] From FrumSatire: [...]
19 // Jul 31, 2007 at 12:12 pm
I only drool when I am not asleep, like in when I was in class, I would space out and all the sudden notice I was drooling- not a god thing.
20 // Jul 31, 2007 at 1:56 pm
To me, Ana Zmirot is the talit-folding song.
21 // Jul 31, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Bring a book with you in your tallis bag, time passes much quicker.
22 // Aug 4, 2007 at 11:00 pm
i went to this shul one time, a guy came in like during leining and he had READERS DIGEST in his tallis bag which he proceeded to open on his crossed legs. but then he couldn’t read that much cuz the guy behind him was trying to shmooz with him. so the guy had the RD open on his lap with his head halfway twisted around to hear. this went on pretty much straight through the rabbi’s talk.
23 // Aug 5, 2007 at 7:37 am
As a kid I always asked my dad if I could bring mountain biking magazines to shull- he always asked me if I was crazy.
Of course when the shul janitor would whip out that days NY post all the folks in shul horded it like it were a pound of coke in a drug rehab center.
24 michael // Nov 8, 2007 at 5:46 pm
this is very nice because i was in sadd an went to the conference in the year of 2006
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