I recently spoke to a shadchun and she asked me some of the most ridiculous questions ever, I of course had to give ridiculous answers just to mess with her and show her how stupid the questions were. In keeping with tradition I had a pen and paper ready to jot some of them down to bring to you in original form. The post starts after all the normal questions and brings you only the whacked out ones.
Shadchun: So tell me does your family use paper or plastic?
ME: Well my father was all for cash, I remember when I used to get to yeshiva and instead of giving the Rabbis a check for tuition he would just whip out this wad of cash. I would watch the hanhalas eyes popping out of their heads as if some beautiful half naked women had just walked by them, they would be licking their lips and I could almost see the new cars and artscroll special edition shas sets rolling through their thoughts. Until a few years ago my father was an all cash man, claiming that with plastic the government could follow you- I think the changing of the millennium caused him to change some ideals.
SH: I don’t think you understood me, I meant in terms of cutlery most importantly on shabbos, like paper plates or glass plates?
ME: Oh I was wondering why you would such a stupid question, everyone knows that the frummer you are the more likely you are to use paper. Hmm…Do you mean me or my family?
SH: Your family, you mean to tell me you live out of your house and your single?
ME: Yes I live away from home, and as I recall we used to use glass when we had guests over, but we never had real guests, the type of guests that would care whether we had glass or plastic plates and such. We did get those nice Dixie plates, you know the thick ones with scenes of nativity on them- of course that was after Christmas and they were all on sale.
ME: Tell me what exactly does the material of my plates have to do with my marriage partner?
SH: Well I think that many people hold that for kavod shabbos you should have real plates and some folks even want to know what brand of stuff you have. Is it Corning or Oneida some folks ask, or even Tiffany’s?
ME: Sounds a little discriminating towards people who cannot afford to buy a dishwasher or even the glass plates and silver wear?
SH: Moving along, you mentioned that your family does not have shabbos guests, please elaborate? Many girls want to have a lot of guests.
ME: Well we had shabbos guests but they were mostly folks we knew who wouldn’t mind the informality of my household. Like for instance until I was about 16 years old I always remember Friday night dinner as taking place in our underwear- of course our family was infamous for this and everyone loved that sort of informality. You know challah is cut and the clothes come off.
SH: Clears throat, so you had guests, ok very good, ahem….
SH: What sort of horseradish do you prefer?
ME: Wow so mishpacha magazine was really correct. Is there a shadchun list-serve where they see who can come up with the most ridiculous questions?
SH: Excuse me, I don’t understand.
ME: So in terms of horseradish, I don’t know all the brands and I understand this may have some bearing on the quality of girl I can marry. But I am all about home made charyonaise, I hate the premade stuff in those squeeze bottles, it bothers me immensely. I also like red better then white, sweet red in fact and I have heard that this also deeply effects my chances with potential girls- because a man who can stand the white chrain particularly the Golds white horseradish in the little glass jar of weird shape really knows how to learn with fire. I guess I may even considered a faygallach in some circles since I prefer the sweet red beet kind, which in fact isn’t even horseradish at all. Why am I telling you this if you already know from the lists serve?
SH: What color shirts do you wear during the weekdays?
ME: As I stated before in some of the regular questions this would having nothing to do with someone who is not yeshivish. I never wear button down shirts during the week and most of my shirts are of the Tee variety with heavy metal bands on them.
ME: Say have you ever heard of Cannibal Corpse or Quiet Riot? Did you know that if you had to resort to eating humans they would be considered parve and you wouldn’t be fleishigs?
SH: So what sort of girl do you want?
ME: preferably alive, so she can till the land with me. If shes dead all shes good for is the compost pile, and maybe a door jamb, although I have a bunch of Bill Clinton’s Autobiographies as door stops already. I also find that Tolstoy works well for door stops.
SH: Do you have laces in your shoes?
ME: Oh because if I have laces I take out time from learning right?
SH: precisely!
ME: I heard about this in Mishpacha Magazine and thought it was there just for publicity. Well all summer long I wear sandals.
SH: But you said you were not tzioni or mizrachi?
ME: Wow you judge by the sandals too eh, in that case my other shoes have laces. You know you have to be a card carrying member of the AARP to get Velcro shoes.
SH: Do you have any light colored suites?
ME: Man you don’t stop, I used to own a white suite in fact, I bought it in some ghetto suite store in Detroit 4 button white and silk, I was a pimp without the pimping abilities. So any way I walked into one of those basement shull in Monsey and they tried to Lynch me, saying I was an apicoris and was trying to instill secular ideals by having them reflect off the shiny surface of my suite. I of course fought back and started yelling at them for having NCSY benchers on some of the bookcases. I argued that they were trying to let the OU infiltrate their modern orthodox ideals into the frummy sects and that I thought that was bad. Then they set up a bes din and framed me and ran me out of town. I could never eat or daven at any place that was considered black hat again as rated by the Adudath Israel in the black hat level rating system.
SH: But you don’t own that suite anymore?
ME: They deemed me a heretic and brought some whacked out gemara down that I should be like the women accused of cheating so instead of embarrassing me by tearing my sheitle off they tore my suite off and I stood naked besides my colored shirt(which also almost started a riot) in the intersection of routes 59 and 306.
SH: That’s good that you don’t own it anymore, otherwise I may have had to cut you off from my list of guys.
SH: Boxers or Briefs?
ME: Don’t you find this a little untznius?
SH: Well many guys when I am finished ask me the measurements of the girls, this is rather uncalled for and untznius, so we figure we have to even the score.
ME: Boxers, tell me what’s the difference?
SH: Well they say folks who wear boxers will be able to have twice as many children and you know I require you to have a minimum of 7 children to set you up.
SH: What kind of siddur do you daven from?
ME: Well I am all for Shiloh siddurs, but they have all but vanished and artscroll has replaced them by using their tyrannical and monopolistic Wal Martesque motives. I personally like the old school tikun mayers with the frayed yellow covers.
SH: The reason I ask is because the frummer you are, the more likely you are not to pray with an English siddur which is secular culture creeping up on us. You are more likely to daven with siddurim that have Yiddish instructions.
ME: So I guess the fact we are talking English right now makes us hypocrites.
SH: Do you buy secular branded condiments?
ME: Huh?
SH: You know do you use such shmutz as Hellman’s and Heinz and choose to undermine the business of Heimishe shomer shabbos companies?
ME: Let me guess, by looking in my fridge some communities will judge me as being more open minded since the only way to learn about secular condiments is through print and online media an if I solely shopped at the Kollel store and Friedmans I would have no idea that quality products existed. With regards to such essentials as salsa and steak sauce I would have no idea that there was life beyond Golds and Ungers and therefore be ultimately more frum and less influenced by secular culture as a whole? Is this the way you see it?
SH: 100% on the ball, I am glad I can put you into a more machmir category. Since you don’t use real plates I figured that you may have gone one more step off the derech to the world of fine tasting condiments.
SH: What do you think about shabbos robes?
ME: I love em, the air is great- its definitely much better then wearing suite pants all shabbos long like some communities require. I used to get stares for wearing khakis chas vshalom. So I started wearing the robes, and since they make them unisex- because I could never tell if the folks wearing the robes and turbans were women anyway I haven’t had to order any because they are always in stock.
SH: I meant for your potential wife, stop joking around, I am a serious shadchun, there is only so much I can detract from the constant frown upon my face.
ME: I have no problem with it, I just don’t understand why they cant make themed robes. Like put a Megadeath Album cover on the robe or something or maybe Yankees robes. You know I had this idea that we can put frum advertisements on robes. First of all, most of the population that wears robes are pregnant most of the time leading to free expanded advertising space and we could have ads for places like Big Fleishigs and Buzz Electronics. Maybe we could even get a contract for B&H to boost sales from Lakewood and other out of town type places.
SH: What do you think of television?
ME: I don’t understand how frum folks are so out of shape when they don’t have TV in their homes? Personally I hate it, I am not for television in the homes at all and attend those riots when we go into homes and uncover TV’s behind mirrors and Rebbe pictures in peoples home in Lakewood and Monsey.
SH: Wow your impressing me, based on my years of making shidduchim I would have thought you to be pro-TV with your modern dress and secular ways.
ME: Maybe you shouldn’t be so judgmental?
SH: But I am a shadchun, our job according to the shadchun code book is to try and judge everyone and have handy little labels. Furthermore if we weren’t so judgmental we may actually get a good name and people wouldn’t be as intimidated anymore.
ME: Isn’t that what you want, I mean wouldn’t you want to get more customers, we do have a shidduch crisis going on.
SH: Enough about me…. Tell me have you thought about hosiery?
ME: Funny you mention that, I went through this stage when Trembling Before God was my favorite movie and thought about how it would look on me, but ever since the Mathew Shepard incident in Wyoming I have strayed from those thoughts.
SH: On your wife?
ME: Oh it enters my head every few seconds, (scientifically every 12 seconds) I like those clip on kinds, you know the lacy ones with the hooks onto the underwear, the only problem is getting them off in the back seat. I can just imagine we’re in the back seat of our mini van and my peyos get stuck on her clips and we have to call hatzolah, it just doesn’t seem to fun trying to explain my peyos being stuck on her hosiery clips.
SH: Excuse me but what does that have to do with whether your wife will wear hosiery with seems or not?
ME: As I said the lace or seems, whatever you people call it- might cause some issues. I guess in the winter its not too bad, though I think fleece pants work way better.
SH: Do you stack or scrape?
ME: Since I don’t use glass plates apparently not… though I myself was more of a stacker type before I learned of the damage it was doing to my reputation and shidduch resume. After reading an article in the Jewish Press I immediately stopped this practice and started to just sit at the table with the other men and let the women bring all the stuff in without lending a hand. I guess it was better for me to raise my shidduch ratings rather then help my hosts, don’t you think?
SH: Do you mean to tell me you actually helped the women do something other then open up jars and reach for things?
ME: Is this an issue, I was only trying to be helpful after they cooked such a big meal.
SH: I am not you mother, but you should know that first of all a women’s place is in the kitchen, gender roles are very important in the yiddishe world.
ME: I didn’t mean to undermine the tyranny, I was just trying to help.
SH: So you mean to tell me your some kind of feminist? I see what you mean by out of the box. But don’t worry, I have tons of “out of the box girls” (usually shadchuns mean rejects by out of the box)
ME: That’s me, I am like a frum suffragist, all for frummy power, kind of like Bobby Seale from the Black Panthers. Fighting for the rights of frummies everywhere to maintain their rights as men to enter kitchens and as women to ride shotgun. I fight for the right to live free of any monarchy.
ME: Tell me did you ever hear of the Boro-Park Pizza Party?
ME: It was one of the events we held, in order to protest the way those little frummy kids stare at everyone who enters pizza stores in Boro-Park. We dumped all the pizza in Boro-Park into the water by Coney Island. We were going to dump it in the street, but we got wind that many folks didn’t mind the extra spices that the floor contained. I myself would probably have eaten it off the floor- showing my true frummy colors.
SH: Oh like the Boston Tea Party?
ME: Did you ever have tea party Barbie?
SH: What’s a Barbie?
ME: Do you have any other questions for me, because I have to go start a shabbos riot. I use my compost pile to throw at folks who wear colored shirts on shabbos together with blacks hats, this new phenomenon has really gotten to me. They are bringing a bad name to all the plain colored shirt wearers, and trying to gain yeshiva recognition by claiming minority status.
61 responses so far ↓
1 // Jun 9, 2007 at 9:29 pm
What’s a grey suite? Why would you wear a small set of rooms?
2 // Jun 9, 2007 at 10:05 pm
This is hysterical, and just adds to my kinda never wanting to go to a Shadchan when the time comes…
3 // Jun 9, 2007 at 10:10 pm
loved the post! really entertaining, keep it up!
4 // Jun 9, 2007 at 10:14 pm
I am here to entertain. I do love shadchuns though, they provide tons of laughs.
5 // Jun 9, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Hilarious! Great post. Too bad it’s not far from the truth.
6 // Jun 9, 2007 at 10:44 pm
I think this is my favorite post so far!
7 // Jun 10, 2007 at 8:36 am
He means “suit”, actually..
Quite funny - this piece. Keep it up!
8 // Jun 10, 2007 at 10:01 am
Just think, you can meet the woman (feminist speak for girl) of your dreams, marry, and start a family. Then a few years later, you will barraged by similar questions from the interviewer at a school.
9 // Jun 10, 2007 at 12:03 pm
SH: Well they say folks who wear boxers will be able to have twice as many children and you know I require you to have a minimum of 7 children to set you up.
Goes to show that a lot of frum folks have no clue about sex and fertility.
SH: I am not you mother, but you should know that first of all a women’s place is in the kitchen
Women’s second place is in the bed. She should not move to the other rooms in the house. She should breed like a rabbit. If she dies after the 10th child, you can get a new rabbit, I mean a new wife.
10 // Jun 10, 2007 at 1:23 pm
Oy…I’m crying from laughter
11 // Jun 10, 2007 at 4:31 pm
B”H OMG! You just confirmed all the horror stories I heard about shadkaniot! Why didn’t she wait till you asked about measurements before she threw out the underwear question, to “even the score?” That’s frightening!
12 // Jun 10, 2007 at 8:58 pm
I actually find this stuff entertaining, whats really scary is- how many of you actually thought this conversation actually took place. Goes to show that shadchuns can really be this nuts eh….
13 // Jun 10, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Did the Shadchun know what you were talking about when you said “I was a pimp without the pimping abilities”?
14 // Jun 11, 2007 at 5:29 am
actually it goes to show how much people want to beleive it.
some follow blindly and others criticise blindly. reduces the amount of energy required to form one’s own thoughts..
“most of the population that wears robes are pregnant most of the time leading to free expanded advertising space and we could have ads for places like Big Fleishigs and Buzz Electronics”
hilarious
15 // Jun 11, 2007 at 9:18 am
im glad you worked in the “humans are pareve” shtick.
I’m gonna go get me some Heimishe Hoagie!
16 // Jun 11, 2007 at 9:54 am
AH! Just what i need after a long weekend. This is by far the best post i have seen online this month! Good going.
What I find amusing is that so many people choose to put their future in the hands of a ________!
Shachonim dont give a sh*t on how the rest of your life will play out - as long as they get paid before the wedding.
I’m sending my kids to facebook™ to find a shiduch. Or some Prom party.
17 // Jun 11, 2007 at 12:18 pm
I hope you embellished this post, because you would have a better shot finding a shidduch by sticking a bunch of monkeys in a room with a typewritter and see what names they can come up with!
18 // Jun 11, 2007 at 12:20 pm
As I stated in my past comment, this conversation never actually happened and I wanted to see how many people would believe it did. The fact they did actually think it was factual goes to show you how screwed up the shadchun side of the shidduch crisis is.
19 // Jun 11, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Hesh…I was just about the inquire of the authenticity…Ive spoken to my fair share of shadchunim and never got any of this BS
20 // Jun 11, 2007 at 1:09 pm
You know what it obviously wasn’t so far off from some peoples experiences. You have to admit its damned funny. I have gotten some really shady questions but never this bad. Some of these are directly from the Jewish Press and Mishpacha media outlets.
21 // Jun 11, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Sorry i forgot to tell u…its very funny!
22 // Jun 11, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Mel // Jun 11th 2007 at 9:20 p06
I hope you embellished this post, because you would have a better shot finding a shidduch by sticking a bunch of monkeys in a room with a typewritter and see what names they can come up with!
LOOL!
23 // Jun 11, 2007 at 1:34 pm
We can always count on mel for a laugh
24 // Jun 11, 2007 at 3:20 pm
I just about died laughing. Thanks!
25 // Jun 11, 2007 at 3:25 pm
oh my god this is amazing.
26 // Jun 11, 2007 at 6:35 pm
heeheehee that was really funny
27 // Jun 11, 2007 at 10:23 pm
i was laughing my ass off on this one…but ive still got a lot of i left. i did realize it was fake though-you copied some sentences straight out of your other posts. still. this is incredibly funny.
28 // Jun 12, 2007 at 4:55 pm
shabbos robes with megadeth??!!! I LOVE IT.. how bout ‘ANTHRAX or RAT’
I LOVE YOU!!!!!! (I owe you 2.5 cents for gas)
29 // Jun 12, 2007 at 4:57 pm
One of the most awesome shidduch/shadchan posts out there. And they do ask such rediculous questions. I know a shadchan who turned down a girl cuz she didnt like the type of guy the girl wanted to marry. (she wanted working and the shadchan said learning is better-WHAT ON EARTH!!) Crazy world we live in!
30 // Jun 12, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Thank you MW.
Hey Jess how about a Dream Theater robe?
31 // Jun 13, 2007 at 7:33 am
BTW-I LOVE the comeback the shadchun had on the boxers or breifs question. It was seriously awesome, and I think they should ask the guys that question-(not that I would judge a guy accordingly LOL!) But still I hate that they ask what size the girls are. Eventhough in a way I get it, still its wrong, and we dont ask how fat the guys are-we just want to know how tall!!!
32 // Jun 13, 2007 at 7:38 am
The size issue is purely based on logistics. What happens if the girl wouldn’t fit into the guys sports car, he may have to rent a car for the date. What if the girl is anorexic? Then he knows not to take her to a steak house.
Also larger girls tend to like food dates better then hiking dates.
33 // Jun 13, 2007 at 9:44 am
Ok, you are being a little extreme here. Those are big issues and you would prob find out befor if the girl is obese or anorexic. If they are they are getting or should get help. So if you dont here if they have a weight situation, then dont ask. And with the food dates-dont go out to eat on the first or seconed date. Got out to eat on a later one where you already like her and are willing to spend a couple of bucks if she likes food. But anyway, just because a girl is heavy doesnt mean she likes to eat, could be in her genes and that is the way she is. Plus there are thin girls out there who like to eat, but just have a fast metabolizm or something. It depends on the person and you cant judge on the size of their waistline!!
34 // Jun 13, 2007 at 10:35 am
I was 100% joking with that one you realize. I personally never ask about looks because I ASSUME that when they set me up with my type of girl which is one who is very active in the outdoors fields they will be in great shape.
I also don’t think that being so so skinny has to do with being in shape. Most of my skinny friends could never hike 20 miles in a day or ride their bike 60 miles in 4 hours. But in shape I can ask for because this is the type of girl I want.
It happens to be that some guys/gals do like bigger people. A very good girl friend of mine loves bigger guys- as do guys I know who like women with some meat on them.
35 // Jun 13, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Yeah okay. I didnt know you were joking cuz unfortunatly I know PLENTY of guys who like the size zero type. I actually agree with you that girls with a little meat on them are more attractive looking, and I dont like guys who have nothing on them either. (dudes should look like dudes!) But seriously, I’ve never really met a guy who prefers the more “meatier” girls then the thinner types. A shadchun told my sister to loose wait cuz all the guys want skinny girls. I thought that was ludirous cuz she is great looking, but thats what the shadchun said.
36 // Jun 13, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Very very entertaining….keep up the good work! It’s not too far from the truth - personally know someone who was asked “at what age were you toilet trained?” - I wish I’d been there - I would have said - still working on it
37 // Jun 13, 2007 at 6:57 pm
Ha ha, so my type of answer!
38 // Jun 13, 2007 at 8:00 pm
CS: iots funny because even when there is a porto-john available I love to pee on trees. Maybe I have some dog instincts in me, or maybe I just spend way too much time in the woods.
39 // Jun 13, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Guys are lucky when it comes to that! LOL!!
40 // Jun 14, 2007 at 4:04 pm
You guys should check out http://www.martinbodek.com/ it has awesome articles and great stuff on shidduchim! Peace guys! ;
41 Daniel // Oct 5, 2007 at 6:48 pm
I have to say, that I could not agree with you in 100% regarding ns really do ask the most ridiculous questions!!! | Frum Satire, but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong
42 Sarabeth // Nov 15, 2007 at 8:40 pm
I will pay you cold hard cash if you could smuggle in a voice-recorder in your pocket or something and get this live.
I almost can’t believe this.
43 heshman // Nov 16, 2007 at 3:28 am
Well it was all fictional and I admitted that after I got enough people to think it was real thereby proving my point that some change obviously should happen to the system.
44 Mindy // Dec 7, 2007 at 6:04 am
Now THAT was funny. Someone once asked me whether a friend of mine listened to non-Jewish music or not, and I said that I could guarentee her that she didn’t because all the stacks on non-Jewish CD’s we’d downloaded were safely stored in my room! LOL
PS- the friend and the boy (a family friend) have both since gotten engaged, but not to each other!
45 Carin // Dec 22, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Oh that was fantastic! Well done!
[Please tell me it wasn't true you were asked those questions.]
46 heshman // Dec 26, 2007 at 3:39 pm
It was all fiction, although I was trying to prove that many of the questions were realistic by the fact that people believed it to be true.
47 GraveDancingShoes // Feb 15, 2008 at 8:09 am
“But h0w does she look in a bathing suit?”
48 heshman // Feb 15, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Do you vant me to count ze rolls, or measure ze muffin top?
49 Rach // Feb 21, 2008 at 5:17 am
love the ‘free expanded advertising space’, then again, America’s obesity epidemic could do the trick too, also you’de have a hard time trying the read th ad, you’de have to circle the preg woman, fat people would be easier to advertise on, a lot flatter i recon. Then again, if the preg people are wearinf lose enough clothes, they’ll pass, no shape there!
50 Rach // Feb 21, 2008 at 5:18 am
loose* haha, and there u were having a whole strip show of preg woman going on in your head, sorry people, that wasn’t what i meant
51 Rach // Feb 21, 2008 at 5:19 am
Pop pop pop go everybody’s bubbles……
52 heshman // Feb 21, 2008 at 12:41 pm
You speak Americas sad truth my friend
53 Rach // Feb 21, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Thank God for keeping kosher, i mean we have our fare share of fattening restaurants, but they’re nothing compared to a McDonald’s on every corner. Jews love to eat, imagine how much rounder the Jewish population would be if we were exposed to all that saturated fat?
54 chnyock // Mar 6, 2008 at 1:59 pm
ask the shadchun her bra size, the bigger the better, (up to a point) more chaishek makes the mitzva more mehudar
55 Moshe // Apr 29, 2008 at 12:43 pm
I actually wear a robe for suedat shlishi and sometimes Friday night if I stayed home because me or wife weren’t feeling well. Well, not a robe, kimono, yukata to be more precise. Freaks the guests out like you wouldn’t believe. Then again I got swords hanging on my walls.
56 heshman // Apr 29, 2008 at 12:52 pm
My buddies dad got one in Japan in he also wears one. Funny stuff dude.
57 Jameel @ The Muqata // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:48 am
ME: Sounds a little discriminating towards people who cannot afford to buy a dishwasher or even the glass plates and silver wear?
Hesh: Thats extremely racist of you to say that you “buy” a dishwasher. Those hard working women who wash dishes are not “property.”
Sheesh.
58 heshman // Jun 16, 2008 at 10:54 am
Forget about real dishwashers we can’t even afford the mechanical kind.
59 Jameel @ The Muqata // Jun 16, 2008 at 11:04 am
Why not just buy new china every week?
60 Anonymous // Jul 6, 2008 at 2:50 pm
seriously….they ask the girl her measurements/dress size?
is this a joke??
sounds like making an order from a factory
61 heshman // Jul 7, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Hell yeh they ask a girl her dress size- I would never- I just ask if she can handle 20 mile day hikes.
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