I like guns! I know that sound a little right wing of me, and undoubtedly many of you probably thought me to be one tree hugging peacenik, but I like guns, in fact I have this vision of me driving my 1986 F-250 without a shirt on, hand out my window clutching the mirror, shotgun propped up against the window, and blasting country music- well almost- since my trusty old Ford truck had no radio. In fact the 36 inch tires and dual exhausts made so much noise that I wouldn’t have been able to hear the radio anyway.
I loved that truck, it cost me $500 and didn’t last too long, two gas tanks, 5.7 liter engine and you had to pump the gas because it never seemed to start. Once it did start it was a riot, you could mow down Honda civics and you wouldn’t feel a thing. I was redneck for a short while. I drove it mostly in mud pits and local quarries- it was a beast and no one ever tailgated- even though it was damned slow.
As for guns all I have is an old .30 caliber rifle with a stuck bolt, and a Ruger 10/22 which is great for garden destroying pests and shooting kedem bottles in the woods. For the last few months I have been debating buying something nice- a little gift for the coming food riots and fuel shortages that are bound to hit us sometime, depression as well- what could be better then stockpiling weapons. I want a handgun- but cannot really afford it, and don’t really like shooting them- I enjoy rifles much more. In fact the only round I could probably afford to do target practice with would be a .223, even though I love shooting .308 and 30.06.
Anyway back to the guns, I found this place in Israel that offers some crazy deals if you want to learn how to shoot some pretty cool weapons. I mean being able to shoot automatic weapons, and tactical terrorist prevention training sounds damned cool to me. For $75 you get two hours of shooting and instruction by Israeli soldiers- maybe even some of those hot girl soldiers in the skirts- that always make grenade launchers look like some fashion accessory. In NY state I know that getting an automatic weapon cost loads and you need a very hard to get Class-C license- so next time I am in Israel- hook me up yo. The place is called Caliber3 and it is located in Gush Etzion.
I think you may be able to deposit me into the category of people that think every Jew should learn how to shoot and own a weapon- times are not peaceful and with the coming depression its likely to get worse- more people hate the Jews then you think. I guess I am a but right wing in this case.
There is more to Lubavitchers then crushed hats and singing Al Teera after alenu. You can’t just say “the Rebbe says” before everything you say and be considered one of them. Its not about knowing your local shliach, or knowing when the Rebbe was nifter. Nope- its about that and a whole lot more- if you want to actually infiltrate into their clan- you have to know a lot of things, like when the Frediger Rebbe was from prison, or what the heck a Sudas Moshiach is- you have to know about the bochrim list and about Shmais. Do you even know what Shmais is? Exactly- you can only wish you were that Lubavitch literate.
Shabbos Walk! Now that’s a term I haven’t heard in ten years, the last time this term was used in a normal sentence I recall sitting on a hard wooden bench swatting mosquitoes and dipping my undershirt into some magic water that made it look like a ghetto tie-die shirt, in Camp Moshava when I was 12 years old and full of hormones. I hadn’t figured out how to release the hormones yet- but we were sitting around talking about shabbos walks. This was closest I would get to getting some until I had my first kiss during my first summer as a high school student. In fact, shabbos walks were my first experience with young boys who talked shit. It was the ripe time for your stories about what you did with the girl behind the rifle range on your shabbos walk while everyone was hanging out on the bunk porch waiting for a glimpse of some of the shabbos walks that most of the kids only hoped they were on. (I bet you uninitiated never knew that we modern orthodox folks start shidduch dating at age 12)
There I was sitting on a comfy leather dinning room chair listening to a Rabbi tell me that we would be going on shabbos walks with other. Now this was an interesting singles event I thought, as I played with the coleslaw in the small plastic bowl in front of me. I looked around for potential shabbos walk material, while the rabbi spoke of how there were shadchanim available for us who were too wimpy to ask a girl out ourselves and risk making ourselves and the girl we were asking uncomfortable for the rest of the weekend. Instead the shadchanim would pull us aside and say in a “constipated middle of shofar blowing sign language-clenched teeth voice” that the girl with the long black hair to our right NO DON’T LOOK SO INTENTLY SHE SEES US- is interested in you.
You would then have approximately 30 seconds to gauge all the pros and cons of spending 30 grueling minutes walking up and down the streets of Monsey on shabbos afternoon with nothing to focus on but the cracks in the asphalt and little kids trying to play basketball without hitting tatis car. Unfortunately for you, the Rabbi in charge was trained as a car salesman and had it all worked out, so that he could get you out the door on a date by saying that he saw the chemistry between you too while you shoved forkfuls of chicken and cashews between a peaceful game of Jewish geography.
So it went, I recalled with horror my first and only shabbos walk experience when I was twelve, I would not ask another girl out so boldly until I was past my prime and in the middle of the 6 year associates degree at some Podunk community college. Her name was Naomi and she was Silver Springs- and I remember facing the tether ball court- sitting on a picnic table and asking her out on a shabbos walk and being rejected. I felt so heartbroken and went off to the woods to hurt anything I could, in this case it was whatever I found under rocks- centipedes, worms whatever- die you mother –f—ckers. I was violent kids back then. I had a bad stuttering problem and no mother- for a twelve year old it was nightmare. Everyone hated me, and I couldn’t speak back- so I fought back.
I flipped forward 14 years and here I was at a singles shabbaton about to be forced into a shabbos walk with someone. Turns out I wasn’t, not one of the 30 girls found me worthy of a half hours worth of laughs and talk of 19th century political philosophers- well their loss. I was having a ball anyway, and the shabbos walks were brought up right before the chorus struck up a jolly shalom aleichim rendition in D-Minor.
I should mention that this was a completely different set up and design then my past two singles shabbatons. The past two were with End the Madness, and put simply they were pretty maddening, it was basically a reunion of the Kew Gardens Hills dating circuit with a couple of Monsey and Upper West Side groupies throw in. Everyone knew each other and everyone just talked Jewish Geography the whole time. Throw in some weird looking dudes, awkward nomadic girls and you have end the madness- complete madness- lots of fun though.
Well this was run by See You on Shabbos- which had to change to Ebashert due to franchise dealings with Saw You At Sinai, figures. So it was run by this brilliant dude Rabbi Klatzco- he asked for a shout out. He works for Aish (see bottom for theories of Aish)- based on the abnormal amount of “way too serious” BT’s I would have been able to figure out sooner or later that it was an Aish affiliated event.
Aish is notorious for their seriousness. The Rabbi himself would have better suited to Ohr Someyach, but Aish is way too serious, I have never met such serious people. For instance I was having a discussion with this one guy about how when someone writes “No” to making aliyah in their frumster profiles- its kind of definitive, I mean how can you say no, what about maybe. Then Mr. way too serious- I threw out all my secular music and burned all my comic books when I became religious BT pipes up and says “but its so pushat, halachically speaking we shouldn’t really be in Israel in the first place” I wanted to shove his head into a brick wall while saying “what are you the flippin Niturei Karta?”
I wasn’t even going to attend the event, it was held in Monsey and it was supposed to rain- so I agreed when one of the shadchanim whom I personally know said they had a shortage of men at the event. Suddenly I had visions of me flanked by beautiful women who were feeding me rugalech at the oneg on Friday night- and I reluctantly agree. Upon entering the house where most of the shabbaton was held- I spotted some decent looking ladies. The beginning of the event is most important, this is like when you are at the shmorg during a wedding and need to scope out the food. Same thing, during davening I made several bathroom breaks and pretended to look at the amazing artwork on the walls- while using my super powers in peripheral vision to check out the crop of ladies milling around the center island in the kitchen.
Seating for Friday night was arranged, based on profiles. I did try and figure out why half of the room got to sit up near the Rabbi on the good chairs, I concluded that all of the folks with colored shirts were on the less comfy chairs, like most colored shirt minorities I always think it’s a white shirt conspiracy against the coloreds- maybe I should wirte to Al Sharpton and tell him he’s not alone.
Surprisingly I wasn’t that hungry. It was a diverse shabbaton, you had some black hats and some guys wearing only sweaters. One thing that shocked me was the amount of skinny girls, such a rarity these days with growing obesity problems. There were several lookers and several cuties- overall a very good crop- I just hope the rice crop is as good so prices can go down for those unfortunates in Laos and Cambodia.
Several guys recognized me which made it way more interesting. Something was wrong however, the conversation at the meals was not centered around who people knew and where people lived. There was substance and maturity, and real conversations- it was insane- it was Mars. BT’s are a different breed I know, they aren’t boxed into their small lives of orthodoxy- they are excited to be religious and have not realized its all one big scam to get you to pump the bug free lettuce economy with new life.
Then all the sudden I had to pick up my plate and choose another seat on a different table. This may sound very simple but for me it was careful calculations. You see- there were several people I did not want to sit across from- yes I am that shallow, the first meal is when you plant your seeds, in the end it was classic farming I waited to long to plant my seeds and wound up on a table next to the shadchun I already knew- it was fun- but not conducive for meeting some ladies.
I watched as everyone else planted and sowed and watered, while I joined the Oakies and headed west through piles of dust. I had missed my crop and this problem would plague me throughout the weekend.
Then the holy grail made of crumbling aluminum arrived, with contrails of steam. Tins of heaping Chinese food of all things began to be placed at an empty table between the four tables. Being the rude and careless schmuck that I am, I was the first to arrive on seen after the small children who were already placing heaping amounts of chicken and beef dishes onto their flimsy gold paper plates that were bound to buckle under the weight. I looked around and saw not a rustle amongst my peers. I felt like I was back in college when everyone would be waiting outside a class and I would go on 15 minutes before anyone dared- and take my place and immediately go to sleep.
I stood and debated if I should take or wait for the others. My growling stomach won out and I began to load up trucker style. Chicken with cashews, lo-main and some beef dishes. I also took some rice while explaining to one of the younger kids that I was only eating it because the price of rice features went up so much that I wanted to feel rich, he just looked at me blankly as I tried to teach him why other grains were going to rise and why ethanol was a dumb idea even in my environmentalist mind. By then the others began to load up, I had the most by far, noodles were dangling precariously from the sides of my plate as I bypassed a section of the line for some duck sauce. The food was way better then it looked by the way- but good nonetheless.
After dinner was a speech, at least it wasn’t about why we are still single- that’s the worst. No this was the Ten Commandments of Relationships, and he basically explained why his marriage was da bomb. My buddy Ely Jaffe who wished honorable mention and who accompanied me to this speech feel asleep- he has loads of confidence, he also works as a Sanitation technician and rises at 4 every morning- there also happened to be another guy there who is a garbage man- what are the odds?
For those of you who know me- it’s hard for me to shut up. I rarely do when I am around large crowds, I always commentary and observations. During the speech I wanted to burst out with “no you didn’t in a gay black voice” every time he said “when you and your partner… I did disagree with one of the commandments which was the banishment of sarcasm. I might as well be dead I wanted to say.
Then we played games, I was hoping for an orgy, but learning about the attendees in a civil manner was all I got. We all sat at one of four tables, across from each other and a shadchan lead the round of questions which we had to answer. I thought it was pretty good idea and the fact the men had to switch tables every few minutes allowed you to meet everyone. Usually there is an oneg and everyone confident or good looking gets to meet people and everyone else is split into a few categories. You have the nerds and loners who wander around looking like dumbasses waiting for someone to come up to them. You have the people who try and join into ongoing conversations by hanging out near the group of people talking, and then you have the people who pretend they are oblivious to what’s going on around them while trying to levitate the piece of pineapple in their hands. These games got rid of the awkwardness of meeting someone, and you got to see what people were like.
For instance one of the questions was name 3 hobbies or interests. I love this question because I can see if anyone is of interest to me. For instance if they say my hobbies are shopping, hanging out with friends and the beach- I know they aren’t for me. Or the worst is when you say “what do you do for fun?” I recently asked this is of someone I was talking to on the fun. Her answer was the code red defcon 4 answer which makes me hang up- I HAVE NO TIME FOR FUN. So how on earth are you going to have time for a husband? Or why don’t you commit suicide then? Usually I am nice and say- if you did have time for fun what would you do. This particular phone girl I speak of said she would go to movies. I hit the buzzer similar to Mr. Burns that made her fall through a chute out to the dump.
One of the questions was “I like when my date does blank” Guess what I answered? That’s right, I like when my date pays- always trying to be funny. In the middle of all the commotion of the games and the laughter the sleuth used car dealer was plucking random people out of the games and pulling them to the side and saying with the classic hand rubbing that Rabbis do- that a girl/guy was interested in taking a shabbos walk with them. What have you got to lose, money back guarantee- then- she could be your bashert! Sold to the man in the white shirt and black hat.
One of the kids staying with me got suckered into this deal. He fell for the sale and ended up worse then the others. He said maybe. He didn’t want to say no- because he didn’t want the girl to know he said no for the whole shabbos- but then again- he didn’t exactly want to go out with her- he was stuck. Unfortunately for frum Jews they cant “Take her for test drive, aint she a beut” like they do to cars- well some of us do, but usually not at shabbatons.
Then we just milled around and everyone schmoozed, I didn’t meet anyone that tickled my fancy or that I actually wanted to be seen walking around the neighborhood with. Don’t get me wrong, there were some fine looking women that had I been less religious would have loved to take for a test drive, but I am 19 anymore and there was no one who made me want to give up a day of muddy biking for.
Shabbos was a little different. The seating was unassigned- so I ended up a table with two kids I knew and the hottest girl at the event- whom I had no interest in at all. Every singles event has to have a hottest girl. At normal singles events this girl is flanked by men and cock blockers trying to enter into ongoing conversations- the hot girl realizes this and does nothing to prevent these events from taking place, rather she relishes in the attention- as would I.
Even at our table we had a cock blocker- he knew the hottie from his Aish Battle days or something and would constantly interrupt one of her conversations with banter about some people they knew from working at Aish- or discuss marketing strategies to make BT’s crazier and more wacko. I was kind of disappointed that the BT’s were so serious- as there were no BT horror stories or awkward moments during their indoctrination. The girls were very aidel.
One of my friends at the event was rumored to have been a Lubavitcher and we all know how Aish feels about the groups that they try and model their tactics after. So This one girl sent a little kid over to ask my friend if he thought the Rebbe was Moshiach- funny but so wrong. I wanted to bring up the whole aish vs. chabad controversy- but the Niturei Karta cock blocker at my table was a little taller then me so I was scared- I could have backed his not living in Israel philosophy to the fact the Chasam Sofer says its fine to believe in someone being Moshaich or something- I am sure the Yechi crowd has some sources as to what differentiates them from Jews for Jesus.
Besides for the singles shabbaton hottie there are a few other characters present at all singles shabbatons. There are the nerds, the large people, the disabled people (don’t they make shabbatons for these people-I always feel so bad for deaf people at regular shabbatons), hot arrogant guys, high maintenance girls who always stand leaning very slyly, the loud people (I am one of them- the rabbi complimented me by saying I always know what’s on peoples minds- but I am the only one willing to say it- for instance he mentioned that new singles were coming to the melave malka- and I said “YESSSSS- TIME FOR SOME FRESH MEAT”
After lunch, I was one of the several people left alone, dateless- thank God. So I left and went to sleep- missed all the other events- because I only wanted fresh meat as of now. The Melave Malka was left over Chinese food that had aged pretty well. The fresh meat was made up of several pretty good looking gals, actually all the fresh meat was in Cow form- in terms of the sex not the looks. Nah it was pretty decent I must say- it’s a shame I knew most of them. Funny because its not even like I am such a singles scene regular yet I already know people.
At the melave malka I realized that I did find someone who had been at the shabbaton cute and wanted to get to know her more. Unfortunately for my loud personality I think I scared her off- I did think her job was super cool though Toy Sales- that is very cool to me- not sex toys you moron- fun toys. Anyway I was sitting next to her during the Badchun- yep a real Badchun (Yiddish standup comedian- he spoke in English) was there performing- I got his contact info. Anyway during the Badchun I said something and she called me a smartass- I love tough women who yell at me, because I can be a stubborn moron sometimes. Then I never spoke to her again- she is lost in my facebook profile somewhere- until she sorts her friends and says “who the hell is frum sattire” oh that guy- delete!
Some notes about the shabbaton: It was run by Ebashert.com and for a first event it was very good. I same not too fond of Aish BT’s- from a personal perspective- they just seem way too serious. Maybe that’s because I went to their rival school Ohr Someyach- and in Ohr Someyach BT’s tend to take a longer time to throw away their secular music and tell everyone else what the halacha is. Please do not take offense if you are Aish affiliated.
I will definitely attend another one- it was cheap and fun and met some interesting people. With that said, the organizers plan on doing one, once every couple of months.
Read about my other singles shabbaton Experiences in these classic posts. First Singles Shabbaton I ever went to- classic post by the way.
I met a dude this weekend- that said he wrote a poem and put it on his frumster profile. He gladly gave me permission to post it here. Who knows maybe he will get some dates. Yes its corny and may I say it sucks- sorry Noah, but its clever and funny and he’s gotten great response. Thinking of doing one myself.
On a side note- if anyone is inclined to give me a Bio of themselves I can post it on my site- its no harm and with the shidduch crisis in full swign we might as well try and think of innovative ways to get those of you older then 21 years of age married- before you hit 23 and have to be called a nebach and move to the upper west side or Washington heights.
This is how I describe myself:
I’m a really nice guy, I like to eat pie.
I can be a little bit goofy If I don’t get it cut my hair will be poofy.
I’m growing spiritually, but also want a career, in Israel I would love to spend a year.
I’m spunky, little bit funky. I really enjoy food, I try not to be rude.
I graduated from law school, I’m considered a fool cuz I don’t talk in shul.
I like traveling and have been to some pretty interesting places, and met people from all different races.
I’ve been Shomer Shabbos for 5 years but I became much more frum two years ago when I was in yeshiva in Israel-o.
I view a career as a necessary means to adequately provide for my wife and kids so we can all be happy yids.
I have no intention of being married to my job. If that ever happens Ill just sob.
I am a sensitive guy with a soft spot for pets, if you don’t want to go out you’ll have regrets.
Hashkafa wise, I would consider myself to the right of modern orthodoxy. In Judaism I don’t like hypocrisy.
I used to live in Crown Heights, but now I get my thrills from livin in Kew Gardens Hillz. On this website I can not read emails, but I can get ims so Ill responds to you without fail.
This is what I am looking for in a mate:
I want a girl with a holy neshama, not some premadonna.
She’s gotta help me learn and grow and deflate my ego.
She can dish them out as well as take em’ and as for cookies she can bake them.
Must be from scratch or we may not be a good match.
She must have good middos, and dress tzniusly, not in Speedos.
She should realize that being frum is a joy and want to spread her love of Torah to every Jewish girl and boy.
Early in the morning when I wanna stay in bed, shell inspire me to get to minyan instead. Shell go the extra mile cause shell be an Aishes Chayil.
She should smile or I might deny her profile.
She won’t frown cause Ill keep the toilet seat down.
I would like someone who is laid back who I can chill with, I am very honest thats no myth.
I really enjoy food, I try not to be rude.
If you are a great cook it is a big plus, we should have plenty to discuss.
I am a pretty good cook myself so if you aren’t I can be the teacher. Ill try not to act like a preacher.
I wear a black hat on Shabbas day and Friday night, I hope you are not uptight.
I used to live in Crown Heights.
But now I get my thrills from livin in Kew Garden Hillz.
Congratulations, you finished reading this very long paragraph.
I hope you enjoyed it and perhaps it made you laugh.
Now just one question remains, could you be my other half?
Want to contact the author for a date? email Noah at noahjfried@hotmail.com
I walked in during the middle of maariv, I was in a mixed mood, I had just driven through 2 hours of traffic to get from Monsey to Brooklyn and I hadn’t eaten since lunch. I was starving, stretching and standing in a small hallway trying not to touch the little sephardi kids butt who was shuckeling wildly in front of me. Every time his butt came up for contact with my legs- he was way shorter then me- I jumped back, but then I slammed my butt into the old guy with one of those shtetle caps standing in back of me. I couldn’t win, I was in a battle of the butts.
I looked around the room and tried to see over the standing crowd whether there was some food or not. To tell you the truth I couldn’t really think of anything else besides food- and that scared me, I mean how selfish was I to come to a shiva house seeking food, man I am pathetic. Then my cousin Danny said Kadesh and began shmoan esray and you could hear the pain in his voice- this changed my mood- suddenly I felt pity- I felt like crap actually- such crap did I feel that I actually had a kavanah filled shmona esray which is a true rarity unless I happen to be on top of a mountain.
After maariv came the awkward part, the part in which I assumed the folks sitting shiva sat at the front of the room like politicians and waited for limp hand shakes from people who said hamokom yenachem and may the neshama have an aliyah, it kind of reminded me of book signings- its similar in fact- the author sits around while people shake his/her hand and say I loved your book or I’m your biggest fan.
I sat down on this really comfortable chair with arm rests and immediately my father yelled at me to get up and took the seat instead. I then was told that all the mourners sit on the most comfortable chairs in the house. Funny because I started wondering where to get these short chairs- because they looked like the best strategy for making it through kinos on tesha ba’av.
Everyone is awkward at shiva houses, all the non relatives just stand around like idiots and wonder what to do and the mourners just chill. I felt a little awkward, in fact it brought back memories of the time that I sat shiva for my mother. It was 20 years ago this past February that my mother (Esther Gittel bas Yechezkel- may she have an aliyah) was nifter- I kind of like the frummy term for passed away- has a nice ring to it. Anyway I remember the embarrassment- do you know what its like to grow up without a mother? Its not even the fact she’s not there that’s embarrassing- its having your friends talk about how good their moms cook, or what their mother does when they stay home from school etc… Its maddening and then to mumble that your mom is dead- oh the hurt- and especially since I stuttered- even worse- hence I became the kid who beat everyone up- which is ironic because I am so unfit to fight now, a weakling they may call it.
Anyway my stomach is at defcon four and growling to the point where people are saying, “I beg your pardon- did you say something?” No it was just my stomach, then I turn to my father and he says- something that sounded like “you moron- this is a Jewish event and the only way we could get people to come is if we had food” I wondered what lay in the kitchen, besides my uncle who was sitting with a plate of salad. Pizza boxes were piled high, and there were pans of eggplant parmigan- it was like I was high or something- like a seen out of half baked. I was so happy, I tried to fight it and feel somber for my fathers oldest brother yanky who had just passed away, but I couldn’t. I immediately got to work on some eggplant parm and some pizza.
My brother and father joined me and my uncle at the table and then the fun began. Old people are way different then young people, especially old people who are similar. Its funny to see my father with his brothers and sisters, no matter where their lives have taken them they all think the same and talk the same way. My uncle Leiby from Buffalo who was seated with his salad, owned drive in theaters and liquor stores, was in the Navy, has an economist mind and has a Lubavitch shliach and two irreligious sons as well. He is one of my more interesting relatives, my cousin Arny plops his big butt down and looking more like an auto mechanic then a Pharmacy owner- he says to no one in particular “where are the Carpethian Mountains?” A fight ensues between my dad and his brother and my cousin.
They can all agree about them being somewhere in the Ukraine, Romania and other countries that change their borders every year area. Then in turns into some random discussion about how Carpethian Jews were nuts and suddenly the argument turns to drilling for oil in Alaska. My father never agrees with anyone by the way, he always has to be the most right wing- except when it comes to gays and the environment, and animal rights.
I had missed the funereal on Monday because I was on a delayed flight back from Denver, but I had come at the tail end. The part where everyone waits on line to wash their hands before leaving the cemetery. I had mentioned something about going to Trader Joes because people in Monsey do not have access to fresh produce for reasonable prices. Then like all arguments in my family, my dad started debating with a bunch of people about how Brighton beach has the cheapest and best produce and my one uncle started saying Boro Park has the best and then my cousin said something reminiscing about the old fruit market next to the trolley tracks. From my lack of experience with real funereals I started wondering what my uncle Yanky was thinking, was he bothered by the fact that they had just buried him and in the cemetery there was an argument about the fruit prices of Brighton Beach versus Boro Park?
So I am quickly filling up on pizza and my brother hands me a picture from 1973 of all the brothers and sisters besides one. My old man has long hair, his brother shloimi is wearing a plaid suit and everyone has bowties on- it was very funny- I took a duplicate. Then I introdude myself to my cousins wife, who I haven’t seen in at least 10 years. We get to talking about the number one subject running through all 40 year old women’s minds- shidduchim. I say I am in the market although I feel a recession coming on and it turns out she started one of these neighborhood shidduch groups, for women who wanted something to compare to Tupperware parties. So we get to talking and filling out the form, but in the back of my mind I am thinking- am I supposed to be having this much fun at a shiva house?
Very rarely do I come across truly funny videos on you tube, most of them are made by people who think that Jews are all about bagels and matzo. I recently came across this dude Jewlarious - who has some talent and has some interesting videos. Here is his most popular- but I highly recommend his others- the office exodus, boycotting Israel, very smart videos. We played some Jewish Geography and he’s buddies with my roommate from Ohr Someyach.
Here is the context of the urban legend I speak of here: Two yeshiva guys just ate dinner at their Rebbes house.
Hey Moishe- how many Kids does Rabbi F. have?
“Ten and 9 of them are boys”
Good for them, you know what that means (said with a smirk and an evil laugh)
It is known at least amongst my friends and I that- if the women has a boy she climaxed first during when the child was conceived, but if she had a girl- she didn’t.
All I seek is the truth- Is this some kabalistic urban legend, so people can speculate about each others sex lives?
Secular influences on the frum community have reached an all time high. We have tried to stem these influences with bans and chumros, but to no avail. We are losing members to college, jobs and general secular doings that have no place within the frum community. We have tried to ban vegetables, sexual foods, concerts, sheitles, advertising with women, internet, television, etc… and where has it got us? It has helped stem the rise in our members whom are going off the derech, but we cannot go it alone. That is why we are pleased to announce the first ever fully accredited 100% kosher graduate school for those who want to help stem the secular influences of goyim, modern orthodoxy and some of those among us who wear bend down hats.
Chumra Research Institute or CRI is accepting qualified candidates for its fall semester. In order to qualify for this program there are several factors in which play into your acceptance. In order to adhere to the highest quality of students which will be the leaders in our tyrannical control of the orthodox community we cannot accept anyone who is not frum from birth, anyone from a family with members off the derech, people who’s father does not have a beard, does not wear woolen tzitzis and does not speak Yiddish fluently. All applicants must also go through a full physical and physiological test in order to insure that they can function under threatening and sometimes violent backlashes from people who are angry at the legislation of bans and chumras you will eventually be proposing.
CRI will be offering multiple degree and certificate programs. Eventually we plan on having campuses at each of the frummest cities in the United States- Eretz Yisroel has no shortage of people ready and willing to propose limitless bans and chumros- the shortage is here in America, in Lakewood- where women still disobey last years ban on arm swinging when they walk and in Boro Park where sheitle stores still display pritzusdick pictures in their window displays to lure husbands away from their wives in search of untznius advertisements. In Monsey, where the heimishe yidden still sit and eat pizza in coed restaurants- there are too many instances to name- but dare I say that we have a long way to go- and the need for educational programs like CRI is imminent.
The Chumra Research Institute will be offering the following degree programs:
Masters of Science- Chumras and Bans: Concentrations in ban psychology, chumra propaganda through WEB 2.0, independent study and research on what to ban next, looking at the fallout from different bans and chumras.
Masters in Chumra Economics: There is a whole economy based on the chumros that we will eventually legislate. Kosher water, bug free lettuce, vegetable wash, even the mechitzas needed for large weddings- all come into play when you risk alienating your friends and neighbors by not listening to chumras.
Certificate- How to make chumras into halacha: The whole point of chumras are so they can become the law of the land. Just look at separate seating at weddings, now many people will not attend a wedding which is 100% halachically ok because it has separate seating. We will teach you proper tactics in convincing people that your chumra is in fact halacha (applicants should have a firm understanding of gemara and arguments)
PhD: We are offering an independent study Doctorate program to become a full fledged signer and proposer of bans. Your name will be featured with gedolei yisrioel whenever they propose a ban and you will not even have to physically sign the document- it will be similar to pork barrel legislation.
In order to apply for the PhD program at CRI you must come up with several propositions for bans and chumras. We have done some research in the field already and have made several advancements toward our ultimate goal, which is to ban women completely- thereby reducing the need for many bans. In order to ban women from the public sphere so they are reduced to robots that can make food, clean toilets, do laundry and have children.
Here is a list of possible bans and chumras compiled by the Chumra Rsearch Institute:
Glasses: glasses magnify an object and therefore they might be used to focus on untznius objects more clearly. Only reading glasses will be allowed.
Urinals: This should have been banned long ago, it allows for possible pornographic transgressions, when one looks to his neighbor.
Music: because it appears that anything to passionate will arouse someone.
Cities with beaches located within their city limits: coastal Israel is banned, including Bnai Brak due to its proximity to beaches, also Long Island as well as Brooklyn and Queens since pritzus lurks around. Miami now, why not these in a few months during a chumra lull?
Phones: actually during the old days the Rabbis wanted to ban them because it was feared that people would be able to speak loshon harah easily. Well guess what, its only time before phones will be banned. They allow for unsupervised talking to people of the opposite sex including all those goyishe operators and the credit card hot line ladies in India, where they worship sheitles.
Banks: Interacting with women is assur, and at the bank, the bullet proof mechitza is not enough, since it is see-through reminiscent of Lincoln Square synagogue. ATMS will still be allowed during the daylight hours- since after dark there is possibility of yichud.
Restaurants without mechitza’s: I cannot believe more restaurants other then Greens in Williamsburg have not instituted this as law. I mean weddings and bar mitzvahs have separate seating, why not the restaurant.
Public Restrooms: Because some one in the upper echelons owns shares in depends diapers or the fact that stall doors cannot always be locked and some folks may be aroused at the thought of a naked person sitting next to them doing their business.
Mattresses: Because sex is just for babies and it shouldn’t be that enjoyable at least for the women anyway.
Cars with manual transmission: Because bad thoughts may enter ones mind when handling the stick shift.
Mikvah: We don’t understand how they still have public mikvahs while they have realized that abuse and homosexuality exists within the frum community, these SHOULD be banned.
Tampons: need I say why?
Women cashiers: What if one day they didn’t slam your change down on the counter. Possible touching may occur causing bad thoughts.
Coca-Cola as well as whole milk: The bottle’s red color is untznius. Maybe New Square and Golden Flow will have to change the whole milk color of red to black. Because black and white means a person is whole.
Stairs: Ever notice that when a person walks up the stairs their outfit becomes tighter. Especially women, their skirts may reveal that they are in fact women, and it may be possible to make out an ankle underneath the bullet proof stockings. I propose ramps o a slight incline to be determined by scientists as which angle will allow optimum rise versus less tightening of the clothing.
Escalators without mechitza’s: What if you were going down and saw a woman in a short skirt going up? Such nisroynos should never have to occur.
Coed airplane flights: Hey why should we allow the sexes to sit together on airplane flights? First of all what happens when the lights are turned down and it becomes all romantic. It is possible for your seat mate to lean her/his head on your shoulders by accident. You may have to “talk” to a women chas vashalom.
Women from kissing the mezuzah: When they kiss it they raise their hands in a very untznius way and that should be assur.
Ice cream: Because licking your lips is so sexual even when half a tofutti cutie is lodged between the person’s teeth. Oh and white cream is saved for making children.
Chairs for women: They should ban chairs, because when women sit down you can see that legs lie underneath their robes. I propose slanted chairs that cause women to lean on them making it much more tznius.
Robes: Robes might be replaced by garbage bags in the future. This comes from an inside source and we are waiting for the official announcement.
Summer camp: Based on previous chumras the goal has been to ban fun, summer camps are way too much fun. They are also notorious places for child molestation, which should be banned too- because apparently its fun.
Why hasn’t Craigslist officially been banned? Or is the internet ban a sweeping ban. Funny because in the Hamodia many of the advertisements feature email addresses and websites.
Envelopes: Licking is very seductive.
Windows: Looking at the shmutz walking down the street, a shonda.
Williamsburg: They say it’s the new hipster and artist capital of the city, not a good place for frum yidden to be.
Summer: PRITZUS- maybe we can build will build a ghetto in the arctic, where no pritzus can ever exist.
Calculators:Internet access may be possible.
CRI is not an equal opportunity, women and minorities are not encouraged to apply.
For many in the frum community- Pesach is a time of family, friends and getting close to secular Jews- that they otherwise would rarely have in their homes. In fact Pesach seems to be the only Jewish holiday in which secular Jews celebrate with their religious counterparts at the same meal. On Rosh Hashanah, you always have the old ladies with white doilies being dropped off by their husbands in Buicks, who always seem to be wearing huge space age sunglasses. On Yom Kippur everyone both secular and religious join together in davening, but in an impersonal Kol Nidre sort of way, there really is no meal- and if there is, I doubt any frum people will be there. Succos, shavuos, and most any other holiday with a Yuntiff portion- just gets passed by and rarely is celebrated with both sides- the black velvet and the white satin teepee yarmulke wearing crowd.
Then all the sudden you are at the seder, right next to them. No longer are you sitting in shul waiting for Boruch Ben Chris to figure out which name to use when he gets called to the torah “but that is my fathers name he keeps repeating.” Close quarters are always interesting, especially in our day and age when anything can happen.
I noticed the Rabbi at one of the places I went to was pouring out a bunch of bottles of perfectly good wine. All the sudden we were back in the days of the prohibition and Eliot Ness was coming to bust our little moon shining operation, in fact I now understood why Chabad was not around in the 1920’s, for they would have had to pay protection fees to the Mob and we all know how well they work with non-Chabad organizations. I began to look around the room and noticed many sealed bottles of wine, and asked the Rabbi if the law would find them, or would we hide them like we did the last bottle of oil from the Greeks. “You idiot” its not because we are a dry county- “what do you think? We’re in Utah or something” The Rabbi spoke exasperated, its non mevushal wine- and with a 52% intermarriage rate- that means some of the wine was touched by non-Jews and maybe when all the real Jews were looking down- one of the infiltrators started doing crucifixions and made the wine possel. Ah, I did feel like at an idiot, and helped him pour the idolatrous wine down the drain.
I remember as a child that the second Pesach ended, as if the folks at shul were carrying their wallets the whole time- everyone on the upper west side- ran to H & H bagels on 80th and Broadway. I do not know if this scene still exists, as the center of the upper west side has shifted from the 70s to the 90s, but when I was a kid it was one big line of people dressed in jeans- and standing there from the minute the holiday was over. Don’t know about you folks, but I don’t really crave anything besides the concept of just buying anything at the grocery store- don’t even have to buy it, it’s the option I crave. Skip to the following situation.
I was sitting down and enjoying a conversation about bagging fourteeners (mountains over 14,000 feet in Colorado) when all the sudden a little kid no more then 3 years old and wearing overalls thrusts a gift in my face. It is a small Rubbermaid container filled with wheat crackers, I tried to stay cool, I tried to tell him that heterosexuals aren’t interested in Tupperware, but he just stood there waiting like a a junior yetzer harah for me to eat some chometz and prove I was gay- thus sending the angel of death straight down to sacrifice my soul- I kind of hoped it wasn’t with hot lead down my throat. In fact I was thinking about the Bes Din death penalties the other day, and the whole hot lead thing sounds like tzar belly chaim to me, throwing off a cliff with the stones would give the children something to do and hanging is so general , but hot lead kind of sucks.
Anyway, all the sudden I was staring intently at the small plastic air tight jar and thinking about it. No I was not thinking of Tupperware parties with a bunch of half naked men talking about their tan lines and Kenneth cole sweaters, I was thinking of chometz. I thought of dipping my fork into a pint of Ben and Jerrys, sprinkling my pizza with the preemptive oregano and grabing snickers bars off the impulse buy shelf that they place when you are waiting online for the cashier in training to get the price codes for Star Fruits from the manager named Yolanda. I never think about these things on Pesach, all I think about is if God will place some hot girls at my meals, and whether or not the food at one meal will be good enough to help me make it to the next. Suddenly the parents realized the kids mistake and retracted him from his “send me straight to hell” mission.
I do wonder what would happen if a guest brought a gift to a non-Chabad home- that was clearly not kosher. Would they take it and throw it out later, give it to their Hispanic helper, feed it to the dogs or shove it back in their hands and say that its Treife- while all the little Yankels and Shprintzes danced around and screamed Treife- in practice for a life of shabbos rioting and miscellaneous chillul Hashems. I must say that those Chabadnicks think quick, with regards to many things- especially embarrassing people.
Case in point, the little Triscuts devils parents brought a cake, I think they were all in on it. Who knows? It was kindly rejected, although it sat on a chair during the whole meal, and had I noticed it I may have had a look, I do love looking at and smelling food- even if I cant have it, after all food is my version of kosher pornography- you can look but you cant eat.
While I am on this point, one of my good buddies Chabad houses, features this one regular who is not Jewish. Unfortunately, he fails to tell people he isn’t Jewish, he has been converting for years and retains an air of mystery since he is clearly nuts- but most people just think its because he is in a state of perpetual crazy baal teshuva syndrome- he never graduated from BT and therefore bows like he is trying to break his back and davens like he is trying to provide wind for an unseen windfarm. Anyway, this fellow is always present when there are 9 people plus him- and most of the time people know, and when they don’t, well, you can just do one of these clenched teeth, tap on the shoulder “He isn’t Jewish.” Usually they get the point, but sometimes disaster strikes.
For instance one time, there were 9 men and him and one of the 9 men had been waiting to say Kaddesh, well out he busts his kaddesh and before we could stop him I notice the Rabbis 5 year old son sitting on a chair clutching a stone chumash. Got to love the quick thinking of these guys on the front lines.
